Empty Nester Downsizing

Four kids "launched!" Downsizing seemed like a good idea. The particulars: 3500 square feet of 30 years of marriage; numerous corporate moves (which means you move everything with little thought) and the steward of family heirlooms/stuff. I will admit that I was totally guilty of holding onto things, thinking that when each of our kids went off on their own, starting their first apartments, of course they'd need/want that chair, coffee table, TV (deep back kind), or those Brio wood blocks, or Barbie dolls and clothes from their youth...someday my grandchildren may want to play with those. Ha!...so I kept storing the stuff, because we had space, (a basement) and could. Well, it doesn't always work out like you think it will. Of course you can never predict where your GenY kids may live post college. Who knew 3 out of 4 of ours would be 3000+ miles away in California and one would be in Chicago?!? They don't want your stuff nor need it and there are no grandkids...yet. Thanks to Craigslist they take care of their needs quickly and inexpensively, much less expensively than if they have to pay to have it shipped. Thus, downsizing, a monumental task.

The good news? We had time to be thoughtful and planful about it.

Here are our basic downsizing tips:

First, communicate with your kids that you're doing this, downsizing, that is. Call them and spell out what you're doing and your expectations.

Our expectations: That we were moving into a 1600 square foot home (no basement, no attic) and that we were not going to pay for off-site storage after 6 months. So...

Everything in their room was theirs (bed, dresser, desk, trophies, yearbooks, etc.). That any furniture we weren't moving into our new home was up for grabs and we would communicate which pieces those were, so speak up. We were happy to donate, sell or trash things (with their guidance) for them. (I know, you're thinking, really? What? Well our kids were all thousands of miles away and timing was everything. We sold our house in a week and the time was ticking.) We would move/ship anything they wanted, but that it was going to end up at their new homes, not ours. And that we would be storing everything in off site storage for 6 months so everyone had a chance to get organized, moved, whatever.

1) Do a little bit at a time. (Otherwise this can be overwhelming). But do a bit everyday.

2) Contact moving companies and have each of them come over to give you a bid on what it will cost to pack, move and store. This exercise will motivate you to get rid of more items, pack more of your own stuff, get comps with various companies and make some real decisions about moving and storing.

3) Organize each room into 4 piles: Keep, Donate, Sell, Trash/Recycling

Keep: Who's keeping? The parents? Or the kid? Once you've determined this, then you've got to figure out  how your kid is going to get it: they come and get it, ship via USPS, UPS, FedEx or professionally move it.

Donate: To whom? Which organization? How is it getting from your house to that organization? Ideally, that organization will pick up.

Sell: Garage sale, the purchaser of your house, auctioneer, consignment shop, eBay, flea market, Play It  Again Sports...

Trash: we called the Dump Guys. They came and hauled our trash away, sorting out the recyclables (such as old electronics) and then they took it all away to the appropriate "Transfer Stations." Also, we used our designated trash/recycle days to the max! We found this route was much cheaper than renting a dumpster, not to mention, much easier on our backs. (Since the young Dump guys did all the heavy lifting!) We also  had a shredding company come directly to our home, to shred years of old statements, etc. that were  decades old (FYI, check with your accountant or lawyer as to how many years ago you should hold onto for  legal reasons). 

4) Shipping. I highly recommend USPS . You know the ad: "if it fits, it ships." At a flat rate. There's also media rate, to ship "educational materials," ie., books.

5) Books, VHS tapes: If you have books and VHS tapes to donate, check with your local public library. Also check with your local college bookstore about selling your kids' text books to them.

6) Contact the various charitable organizations and coordinate pick ups. Find out if you need to move everything to an easy access location for them or if they have the "manpower" to collect the items from your various floors. 

7) Sports equipment: with 4 kids we had LOTS! Neighbors, local sports organizations, Play it Again. Again, this involves phone calls and organization of distribution.

8) Take lots of digital pictures! These pictures really help when communicating with your kids what's actually in their rooms, which pieces of furniture you've put up for grabs, documenting items, like trophies, that they once had before they were heaved. Pictures also help once things are in storage to refresh your memory.

9) Personal photos and personal movies: Now's the time to digitize! We used iMemories. We boxed and shipped all of it. They've digitized it and they shipped it all back. (The originals.) Then you get to decide if you're keeping it or trashing it knowing that you've got it digitized.

10) Take measurements of each piece of furniture that you're moving so you'll have that information for your GenYer and for yourself so you can "place" that furniture in their/your new digs. Evernote is a great app for this exercise. It stores all of this info (and more) on a cloud which you can access from anywhere.

11) If you're selling items, this takes organization. Grab a friend or two to help you with a garage sale. There are eBay stores that will photograph and put your items "up." If you don't want to do it. Contact auctioneers to come out to talk to you about what they are willing to take/sell and the percentage they take for their efforts. Contact your local consignment shops and ask about their services and percentage they take and if they'll pick up or if you have to deliver.

All of this is doable. but it's a lot of organization. 

Good luck! It feels good!

Advice to Live By

I was at our Discussion Group's (blog post) holiday meeting, our topic, taken from a son's boarding school application for a PG year:  What is the most important piece of advice you have ever received and what role does it play in your life?

Needless to say, the answers from each of the women sparked all kinds of thoughts and discussion. The common thread? How we implemented that advice in our lives and in most cases, our parenting Gen Y.

Pieces of advice:

Lose the battle and win the war. (Given by my father right before I got married.) It's turned out to be very good advice in just about every aspect of life.

When you accept an invitation, any invitation, be prepared to give as much or more than you receive at the "event." (Given by a friend of her parents, when she was a teenager and hurumphing about "having to go to a family friend's house for a holiday party.") Two things: was "heard" because it was given by a NON-parent, but someone she respected and she can't think of any place she's attended as a guest when she hasn't thought of that advice prior to arrival.

Since the probability of you meeting someone to marry at college is high, we will only allow you to apply within the Northeast. (Unspoken: the parents (advice givers) lived in CT.) How she followed the advice? Did the exact opposite with each of their four children! "The world is your oyster, apply wherever you want and we support you!" As a result her children are married and live in OR, CA, CO and ME! 

 When you move to a new place, in the first year, accept every invitation. Tough to do, because you have to be "on" all the time, but if you do, you will reap the rewards in the years following. You never know who you might meet regardless of what you may think of the host/hostess. Could be friends for a lifetime!

~Beppie

Name change?

Changing your name? Getting a new social security card, because yours was stolen? Regardless of your reason, this may involve a trip to the Social Security Administration office. Our newly graduated-from-college son, had to get a new social security card (his was stolen in our burglary) before he started his job. It was on the list of things to bring to HR his first day. That's right, a J-O-B! He actually got one, with benefits! I KNOW!  Our newly wedded daughter made the decision to change her name, so the first "legal" thing one must do before she can make all the necessary changes (ie., Driver's license, credit cards,....Facebook, Twitter....Heres a link to a full list that's printable: Your married name change checklist) is get a new Social Security Card. Well, going to the SSA is not much different from going to the DMV. Lousy. So doing a little preplanning and filling out the downloaded forms beforehand, is helpful. The lines on the other hand, not much you can do. So look into mailing everything in. But that means parting with your passport for a bit. And of course you can't change your passport name without a new social security card....etc.,etc.

Since this is such a pain in the rear end, I found that both my Gen Yers resorted to bitching by text. I think only to Mom, but maybe not?! I suggested that their dissatisfaction with "only two people working at a line up of windows with 50 people in the waiting room, each holding a number and no numbers being called, and the clock is ticking 45 minutes AND counting... waiting, lunch hour is just about up. I've GOT to leave. I CAN'T believe this!" If a tweet out #SSA from a disgruntled taxpayer happened, do you suppose there'd be a response? Do they even have a twitter account (@SSA)? hmmmmm.... I wonder?

Just checked, doesn't look like it, but whoa! A LOT of disgruntled folks (#social security administration) waiting in lines. There must be a more efficient way!?

In tonight's news, a disgruntled Gen Yer, Molly Katchpole started a petition against the fees that the B of A was imposing on debit cards, and guess what? Social media seems to have made an impact! 150,000+ signatures, ABC News' attention.

~Beppie

The Loss Of Land Lines and Random Contact

Most of you reading our blog probably remember making phone calls and not knowing who would answer. With cell phones that randomness has disappeared and with it unplanned but often pleasant points of contact.

 I began thinking about this when a friend mentioned that she misses land lines as a way to connect with her grown children's spouses. With cell phones when she calls her daughter her son in law never answers and so she losses the opportunity to have a casual conversation with him. She could of course just call him but one feels there needs to be reason to make that call. 

Gone also is having one's school age children receive calls at home from their friends. I enjoyed speaking briefly with my kids' friends and it was another way to keep track of who was in their lives. Also gone is the need for courage on the kid's part to make that call and risk reaching a parent and not their friend. 

Cell phones are a reality so I think I need to find new ways to interact with my kids' significant others. I'd love to hear how others find a way to say, "Hi, how are you?"

~Jean 

Planning a wedding, some tips!

Our daughters are married! Both weddings were wonderful! Magical weekends!

Learnings?

Lots.

Advice worth sharing:

First and foremost, this is THEIR wedding not yours.

Download these templates from Google Docs: Wedding planner

These proved to be invaluable. If nothing more, they give you things to think about and then address. You can make them your own very simply and they can be shared with whomever you want and you can see any additions or subtractions, any changes. The budget template and the guest list template are "must-dos"! Best of all, it's all saved on Google's cloud, so they can be accessed from anywhere securely!

The best wedding book (in our opinion) to use is: The Wedding Book, by Mindy Weiss and Lisbeth Levine and the go-to wedding etiquette book is : Wedding Etiquette by Emily Post. Purchase a copy for both you and your bride. We found it was a great dissipator if questions arose or there was tension about something. There's always something to be said for a "neutral corner."

Have a frank discussion early on about the budget. As a friend, Jessie shared when our daughter got engaged, "when you know the total you can spend on the wedding, place it on the Excel spreadsheet budget template and as you add items (ie., gown, band, photographer, venue, flowers, transportation, etc.) with the possible cost, you watch that total "automatically" dwindle. Suddenly, prioritizing takes on a whole new meaning." "Picture a pie, slice it up with various size slices, each accounting for the whole." Good advice. For my daughter and her husband, the priority was the music and the Tony Boffa band. The next priority was the photographer, emilie. The other important piece was a "day of coordinator." My daughter said to me, "Mom, I want you to enjoy the weekend, so please hire someone to help you during that time."  So glad she did. Heather Quinn Cuzzi was fabulous! After that things fell into place. The other aspect to this discussion about money is who pays for what? If you think this is a slam dunk, au contraire. I've spoken to so many friends who have had children get married over the last several years and there's no one way to pay for the celebration. The biggest take-away I can offer is to have the bride and groom PRIORITIZE. When the research is being done and prices are being gathered, that "oh so important videographer, may not be so important. Not at that price tag." 

Blogs about both our couples: emilie inc. photography and Brian Wedge photography.

It's true, the time flies by! Enjoy and most of all, HAVE FUN! 

~Beppie